Why Your Team Sucks 2. Tennessee Titans. Some people are fans of the Tennessee Titans. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Tennessee Titans. This 2. 01. 7 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group.
Read all the previews so far here. Your team: Tennessee Titans.
Your 2. 01. 1 record: 9- 7. Your coach: Mike Munchak! Makes you wear sports coats. Your quarterback: Jake Locker! Lotta motor in that dashing young man!
- Jack Black as Po, an energetic, yet accident-prone, giant panda and die-hard fan of kung fu, who finds himself chosen as the legendary Dragon Warrior by Master Oogway.
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- Reviews from Sundance on three ambitious films based on original screenplays, "Novitiate," "Colossal" and "Bitch.".
- See the list of 2017 Oscar Nominations including best picture, best actors and actresses, and more. View trailers, photos and detailed information from the 89th.
What’s new that sucks: Wideout Yance. Dell Thig. Cali. Britt is a speed demon! What has always sucked: Ooooooh, that miserly Bud Adams!
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I hope that fella kicks the bucket soon so that this team can move into the future! WAIT. Wait wait wait. I’m very sorry. Wrong Titans.
Hang on a second. Let’s start again.
Your 2. 01. 6 record: 9- 7. I honestly don’t know how you go 9- 7 in the AFC South and not win the division by eight games, and yet here we are.
It says a lot about the Titans that they can have more promise than any other team in their division by far and still blow it by committing a zillion penalties, botching onside kicks, playing dirty as shit, losing to Jacksonville on Christmas Eve, and limping their way to a crypto- . Free Download An Open Secret (2015) Movie there. By the way, it will shock you to learn that an NFL team had its season derailed thanks to a devastating injury to a young passer.
REAL STUNNING TURN OF EVENTS. By Week 1. 7 of every AFC season, it’s Tom Brady squaring off against 1.
Mc. Cowns. Your coach: Mike? There’s a Mike and K in there somewhere. It’s Mike Mularkey. Loved him in Bull Durham. Last year was Mularkey’s first winning season as a head coach in a dozen years.
Why, it’s like Jeff Fisher never left. Stick with either man and eventually a winning season comes around like a fucking solar eclipse. Your quarterback: Marcus Mariota, whose incredible potential is exceeded only by his terrifying fragility. It’s like if Jake Locker were actually good, but also still Jake Locker.
Do you know what I mean? The team drafted Corey Davis (from Western Michigan.
What’s new that sucks: One of the wideouts beat the shit out of a dude at a bar on Draft Night because fans taunted him when the team drafted Davis to take his job. You also signed the defensive back that Pats fans loved to bitch about almost as much as the Tyree catch. In brighter news, the GM has taken it upon himself to also coach!
GRRRRRRRRR SO MANLY. He broke up a fight Wednesday. On Thursday, Robinson stood between blocking dummies holding a pair of taped- together tennis rackets to obscure Marcus Mariota.
I like to be involved. Divx Ipod Human Capital (2015). I like for the coaches and the players to see that, hey, I’m willing to come out here and go to work and not just stand on the side and take notes. I want to be involved with those guys and show that I care about the direction that this football team is headed.”You know, being a general manager in football is an incredibly difficult job. You have to scout players, manage the cap, constantly scour the free agent wire in case you have an emergency, act as liaison between the coaching staff and ownership, conduct a never- ending re- evaluation of your roster, and do a million other things. And yet, it’s amazing how many outright bullshitters and blatant office politicians are given this kind of job. I thought the Colts were dupes when it came to hiring a GM, but here comes Jon Robinson revolutionizing his position by standing on a tackling sled.
I give him two years. What has always sucked: One of the amusing ongoing subplots revolving around the Titans is that heiress Amy Strunk is clearly going to sell the team, but can’t quite figure out when or how to do it.
That’s how you end up with completely sincere news reports like this: Rock star Jon Bon Jovi, who attempted to buy the Buffalo Bills and remains very interested in owning an NFL team, continues to monitor the Tennessee Titans ownership situation closely, league sources said. I like the idea that the Titans are so lacking in relevance that they’re a designated target for Robert Kraft to gift an NFL franchise to his dad rock buddy. That would be an extremely NFL thing to happen. Jon. Bon will be waiting silently in his Middleton Township command center, ready to offer three gold records and a leather fringe jacket. HE IS MONITORING EVENTS CLOSELY. By the way, thanks to the Falcons, you people can no longer lay claim to having the most painful Super Bowl defeat for an anodyne Southern NFL team. But really, what does it matter?
The Titans are, at any given moment, the ninth most popular football team in the state of Tennessee. This is a lame team, playing in uniforms reserved for bad movies that can’t secure NFL licensing rights, staging games in a lame city filled with transplants and posers who are either too redneck or too broke to make the full move to L.
A. Besides, Nashville is a hukkey town now. If Mariota stays intact (LOL), this team is genuinely good. Kinda cruel that they’re gonna be wasted on Nashville. We should airlift them to San Diego or something. Did you know? Fuck Clay Travis with a hot chicken leg. HEAR IT FROM TITANS FANS!
Matt: Last year, we had a chance to make our first playoff appearance since 2. Mariota’s leg snapped in half while dynamic duo of Brock Osweiler and Tom Savage led Houston to a division title. My Eddie George jersey did get some love at a recent 9. So there’s that. Adam: The last time I was excited about the Titans was when Kerry Collins led the team to a 1.
Looking it up just now, I was shocked that was all the way back in 2. It’s been a goddamn decade. John: I have no doubt that no matter how good this team actually ends up being, we’ll still go 2- 4 in the worst division in football. Isaac: We are the only team in the history of the NFL whose defense allowed Johnny Football to throw two TDs in the same game. Jacob: Anyone remember the last time they beat the Jaguars multiple times in the regular season? That would be 2. 00. JC: God I love the Titans but I once saw a guy with “TENNESSEE STYLE” tattooed across his goddamn shins.
That is some shit right there. Dave: Remember in Gremlins, how Phoebe Cates’s dad dressed up in a Santa costume one Christmas Eve, slid down the chimney, and broke his neck, where he remained unnoticed until his family smelled his festering corpse? Imagine how awful and traumatic that must have been for her. Well, that’s pretty much how I felt the night that the Jacksonville Jaguars and fucking Randy Bullock stole Christmas from me. Roy: We know Mariota is screwed. The only question is if the preordained season- ending injury will come from a roids- addled JJ Watt body slamming him or from being mowed down by drunken bachelorettes on a pedal tavern. I just hope it happens after the Predators’ new season starts.
Sam: I wasn’t sure if you’d done them yet because I literally remember like 2 things about their season last year. Will: At the end of last year’s season, all we had to do to make the playoffs was beat the Jaguars. The fucking Jaguars. We lost and our star QB broke his leg. We let Jacksonville ruin our season and Christmas. I really want Gnash to beat the shit out of T- Rac at a game. People would be thrilled.
David: Last season we went 9- 7 and narrowly missed the playoffs. You know why we narrowly missed the playoffs? Because we got fucking WRECKED by the goddamn Jaguars. Fuck you, Santa. Instead of getting high and forgetting the disaster that just took place, I talked myself into watching the Sunday night game between the Texans and the Bengals. A Texans defeat would make the following week’s 1. It was the worst game I have ever seen. And I watched every single play of that unholy dumpster fire only to see the Bengals miss the game winning FG as time expired.
By then I was too drunk to bother calling my dealer again. Tyler: My buddy since middle school and I decide to get decent seats to the Titans @ Colts game at Lucas Oil. I try and go to this game every year as an easy way to see my guys play live.
This happened to be the year before Andrew Luck, when they were winless.
Cannes 2. 01. 7: Palme d'Or predictions . The first, charitable view is that while festivals have the responsibility of selecting good films, they are ultimately at the mercy of what's in the pipeline.
In the case of a festival as prestigious as Cannes, which, more than most festivals, has its pick of whatever it wants, a weak year can only be a function of bad timing. Great films simply weren't ready. The other point of view on programming is that if a festival can't find enough top- notch movies to fill out a 1. The festival isn't looking hard enough. Cannes is chided annually for lacking gender, racial, and geographic diversity in its competition, and homogeneity is certainly part of the problem.
But this year's competition, more than most, felt overwhelmed by a kind of tyranny of classicism. Anything too experimental, too outr. Maybe looking to new auteurs is the way to go.
Or even reshuffle your own lineups: Valeska Grisebach's . Ditto Sean Baker's terrific . The closest equivalent in competition, Josh and Benny Safdie's . Kvetch, kvetch. No movie in this year's competition approached the awfulness of . But even that competition yielded Abbas Kiarostami's masterpiece . Nothing in 2. 01. To be fair, in a sea of bad- to- pretty- good, there was still room for some competition films to be underrated.
Brian Selznick's book . Michael Haneke's . And Ruben Ostl. Sunday night's big prize may be less of a Palme d'Or than a Palme Default. Before I get to my predictions, I should note that there are three competition titles I haven't seen: Michel Hazanavicius's . Even so, it should be noted that the jury president, Pedro Almod. He's competed five times and has always gone home Palme- less.
Every other director in competition has yet to win a Palme. Palme d'Or: . His latest, a portrait of a separated couple whose child goes missing, pulls off several difficult balances.
It's classical and modern, accessible and ambiguous, austere and beautiful, leisurely yet compelling, and allegorical yet concrete. It's the sort of film, in other words, that could bridge divides across a jury.
As a movie that seems likely to grow with repeat viewings, it also has one eye on eternity. Advertisement. Grand Jury Prize (second place): . It's stylistically quite similar to . But it's almost certain to win something, so I'm placing it here. Jury Prize: Sergei Loznitsa, . It could go to anything, but Loznitsa's rigorously controlled portrait of a woman trying to find out what's happened to her imprisoned husband in a bottomless pit of corruption in Russia is the sort of film that will impress formally minded jurors and repel anyone eager for a film to hit more than one note over two and a half hours.
Best Director: Lynne Ramsay, . A spare, glancing portrait of a bearded, laconic New York man (Joaquin Phoenix) who rescues young women from sex traffickers, it's as oblique as . Working a typically fragmented style, Ramsay (. The jury may also want to send a message to the festival by giving Best Director to a woman—particularly since she actually did the competition's best directing.
Best Actress: Nicole Kidman, . And it has enough defenders that it will probably prevail somewhere. Kidman, as the matriarch of a girls' boarding school in 1. Virginia, has the showiest role. She was also at Cannes this year with four films. Forget her (typically) excellent acting; anyone who endures that many press conferences deserves an award just for good sportsmanship.
Possible upsets: Diane Kruger in Fatih Akin's . Possible upsets: Claes Bang for his layered self- effacement as a museum director in . In 1. 98. 7, jurors gave an award to an out- of- competition film, Federico Fellini's . In 2. 00. 7, Gus Van Sant received a more conventional award for .
Cannes, for all its flaws, remains fervently devoted to superb theaters and projection. Next Article: Cannes 2. Palme de Whiskers. Previous Article: Cannes 2.
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